{"id":946,"date":"2020-03-26T20:30:37","date_gmt":"2020-03-26T20:30:37","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.ameliabooneracing.com\/blog\/?p=946"},"modified":"2020-03-26T20:56:44","modified_gmt":"2020-03-26T20:56:44","slug":"eatingdisordersandpandemics","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.ameliabooneracing.com\/blog\/mental-health\/eatingdisordersandpandemics\/","title":{"rendered":"Navigating Eating Disorder Recovery During a Global Pandemic"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

As I chatted with a friend on FaceTime the other week, I made the joke: \u201cI dunno\u2026maybe the silver lining of this pandemic is it will cure me of my eating disorder?!?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

While it was a joke (there\u2019s no such thing as being \u201ccured\u201d of an eating disorder), for a few weeks, I had noticed that my eating disorder thoughts had subsided. Likely, the thoughts probably subsided because my old OCD habits and rituals had flared something awful<\/a>, and I found panic around COVID-19 to be all-consuming. I was so caught up in my fears about catching a virus, that the fears about foods seemed to melt away. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Clearly, it\u2019s not that easy (as much as I wanted it to be). As I\u2019ve settled into a new normal, and the OCD and fears around COVID-19 have quieted, guess what is still hanging in there? Yeah, the eating disorder.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n

And with that, I\u2019m aware feel a lot of shame. I mean, thousands of people are dying around the world, hundreds of thousands are losing their jobs, and I\u2019m sitting here, still wrestling with fears over food. Now more than ever, an eating disorder feels so shallow. I\u2019m aware that I feel I \u201cshould be better than that\u201d as there are so many horrific things going on in the world. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

But I also know that mental illnesses don\u2019t really respond to that line of reasoning: as much as I wish I could, I can\u2019t \u201clogic\u201d my way out of an eating disorder, regardless of how dire the situation in the world may be. So I\u2019m accepting that the thoughts and feelings are still there, and in some cases, they may actually flare. Eating disorders are old friends: like any fucked-up coping mechanism, they are safe during times of turmoil. When life gets stressful, there\u2019s often a pull to come back to the old familiar friend that allowed us to cope for so many years. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Thankfully, I\u2019m at a point in my recovery where I\u2019m strong enough to resist the urges and voices, but I will admit that this pandemic has really highlighted the fact that I still have a long way to go. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

As much as I wish a global pandemic could fix our mental illnesses, unfortunately I know that our pre-existing mental baggage comes with us into self-quarantine (really shitty social distancing, mind!!) So like many things in life, I\u2019m trying to reframe this time, and use it to gain understanding and knowledge, along with some self-compassion and acceptance. If you too are in eating disorder recovery or struggling with disordered eating, some thoughts on navigating this time (from my own personal experience of n=1 thus far):<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If food scarcity is stressing you out<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

In the weirdest way, it\u2019s facing the semi-empty grocery store shelves that is wreaking havoc on my mind. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

In recovery, we are taught to keep an abundance of food around. To buy the things that strike your fancy, to not deny yourself of what you crave. I realize now how fortunate I have been to be able to do that in every day life: keep well-stocked shelves, buy a variety of foods, etc.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But as I wandered an almost empty Safeway the other day, I could feel the anxiety rising in my chest. There are no eggs: I fucking want eggs. There is no cereal: I find comfort in a giant bowl of cereal. Hell, THERE IS NO KETCHUP WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WITH MY LIFE. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

And when I have restricted food choices around me, I\u2019ve recognized that the eating disorder voices get louder. And I\u2019ve been wrestling with guilt around that: I know that, for many parts of the world, and for many people even here in the US, food insecurity and scarcity is an every day way of life, not just induced by a global pandemic. So my privilege has been thrown in my face: and while I\u2019m grateful for that, it\u2019s also tough to admit that it\u2019s exacerbating my disordered thoughts.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

So I\u2019ve been asking myself some hard questions: What happens if I don\u2019t eat my usual omelet every day? What if I have to do rice and beans or a plate of spaghetti instead? What if I can\u2019t get my go-to cereal? Am I ok with eating things that I don\u2019t \u201cprefer\u201d? And why, exactly, do I \u201cprefer\u201d those foods? Have they unknowingly become \u201csafe\u201d foods that my eating disorder has now become dependent on? Or do I actually really prefer them? The list goes on, but I\u2019m diving into those places of discomfort, and sitting with those feelings. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019m trying to view this time as a period for growth. In treatment, we learned the exchange system, and ate a wide variety of foods, so I know<\/strong> how to \u201cmake things fit\u201d in terms of feeding myself. But as I\u2019ve gotten further along in recovery and gotten away from a strict exchange system, I realize that I\u2019ve maybe started getting too comfortable in my food routine, which has actually been a detriment to my recovery. Maybe this is the time I need for a reality check, to wake me up from my state of complacency. Maybe I can actually find growth in this.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

If lack of movement options is stressing you out<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Long periods of injury in my past have forced me to uncouple my eating disorder from my activity levels, but I\u2019m well-aware it\u2019s not always as simple as that. I will fully admit that when the gyms and pools closed, I started getting a bit anxious. For a while now, I\u2019ve been super low running mileage with a hefty dose of cross-training that required gyms and pool access. I didn\u2019t know how exactly I was going to train now as my options dwindled. I\u2019ve found some fun in getting creative, and I\u2019ve been spending a lot of time outside going for leisurely walks\/hikes (alone!) instead of my swim routine. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"
Easy time on feet walking\/hiking, and decompressing<\/em><\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

If lack of options is stressing you out, again, ask why? Do you feel like you don\u2019t deserve to eat if you aren\u2019t moving? Why is that? Is exercise actually a crutch to enable you to eat? Are you able to feed yourself appropriately regardless of your level of movement? <\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s a tricky, tricky equation, I know. I think, to some extent, even people without eating disorders would have difficulty with those questions. But you are given the gift right now of having the time to explore your relationship with movement and how that relates to your eating disorder.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If diet and exercise talk due to quarantine is stressing you out<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019ve seen a lot of discussion on Twitter recently about how, working from home, you should lock your kitchen up. Or not allow yourself to snack. Or take on push-up challenges or step challenges.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I understand, for some people, that stuff could be beneficial \u2013 we all have different issues when it comes to diet and exercise. But for anyone dealing with disordered eating, please understand that talk is NOT FOR YOU. Locking up food is the exact opposite of what needs to be done. If anything, try to surround yourself with an abundance of food so you don\u2019t feel the scarcity or the fear or the deprivation. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

And if you are eating chocolate cake for breakfast and Fritos for dinner because it comforts you, do it. Food is so much more about just nutrition \u2013 it can feed every part of our soul. I, personally, have been craving massive bowls of cereal lately. It reminds me of my childhood. So I\u2019m rolling with it. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

If not having access to your support system is stressing you out<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Eating disorders thrive in silence and secret. One of the first thing we learn in recovery is to \u201cout\u201d yourself. One of the things I\u2019ve found the most helpful in mine is eating with other people as much as possible to provide accountability. That all kinda hits the fan when we are told we can\u2019t eat with others, can\u2019t go to restaurants, can\u2019t BE with people.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"
We can’t run around in the mud together. But we can cheersies together!<\/em><\/figcaption><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Luckily, technology is amazing. I highly recommend FaceTime meals with other people as an option. Find a buddy (or 10!) who is willing to support. If you do have another person in your household, talk to them. Ask for accountability. Ask to eat together as much as possible. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

If isolation in general is stressing you out<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

When I was in the thick of my eating disorder, I didn\u2019t want to be with ANYONE. I didn\u2019t want friendships, didn\u2019t want a significant other \u2013 those all threatened my eating disorder. Now, more than anything, I\u2019ve realized how much I need<\/strong> an in-person community, and I need people. For those reasons, before this all began, I had signed a lease to move to Colorado and given notice at my place in California: I was ready for a new chapter in life. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

A global pandemic kinda shat on my vision of what this would look like: I imagined my glorious move to Colorado with tons of dinners and group runs with friends, with exploring new restaurants, with excitement for a community-based future of adventuring and exploring. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

That\u2019s all on pause right now, and I realize I\u2019ve felt a lot of grief around that. I worry that my desire to connect and build community will wane as we wait out shelter-in-place. I worry that the stress of a global pandemic will affect my relationships (because, let\u2019s be honest, we are all coping in strange ways that aren\u2019t necessarily how we would cope or act in other times).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"
New home trails<\/em><\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

So, once again, I\u2019m trying to reframe this: this pandemic is actually a grand adventure. It\u2019s uncharted territory. It enables us to be creative, to really evaluate what is important and what matters in life. It forces us to come to terms with our own mortality and what we want from life. And it\u2019s going to make a WHOLE lot of what we have always taken for granted very precious to us. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Above all else, be kind to yourself right now. Recovery may be a bit more bumpy. Or this time might actually put some things into perspective and help you along. I\u2019m working on letting go of the guilt, shame, and some \u201cselfishness\u201d I feel about what someone once told me was a \u201cfirst-world problem.\u201d Because, let\u2019s be honest, if guilt and shame worked to cure you of a mental illness or an addiction, I would have been cured 1000x over by now. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

We\u2019ll get through this. It\u2019s going to be a great endurance event, but I have faith. And in the meantime, if there is any way I can help give support, please feel free to reach out (Twitter is the best way). Now, more than ever, we are all in this together. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

And I couldn\u2019t be more hopeful. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

As I chatted with a friend on FaceTime the other week, I made the joke: \u201cI dunno\u2026maybe the silver lining of this pandemic is it will cure me of my eating disorder?!?\u201d While it was a joke (there\u2019s no such thing as being \u201ccured\u201d of an eating disorder), for a few weeks, I had noticed … Continue reading Navigating Eating Disorder Recovery During a Global Pandemic<\/span> →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":845,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[13],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-946","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-mental-health"],"yoast_head":"\nNavigating Eating Disorder Recovery During a Global Pandemic - Race Ipsa Loquitur<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Eating disorder recovery is never easy, but navigating recovery in the time of a global pandemic can be especially tricky. 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