Participation<\/strong>: the value of being in the arena. It leaves me with a sense of community. It gives me an identity. I don\u2019t have to necessarily be racing in order to participate. But participating doesn\u2019t entirely fill my soul. There\u2019s a piece missing. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Challenge: <\/strong>the value of taking on things I don\u2019t know are within my capabilities. It doesn\u2019t have to be tied to a race or results. It\u2019s highly individualized. It gives me an opportunity to learn new skills. But it comes with the real possibility of failure or embarrassment. It\u2019s not as black and white as winning, or chasing podiums. It doesn\u2019t necessarily come with the external validation and admiration that winning does. <\/p>\n\n\n\n I know, from years of experience, that winning races never brought me happiness: the goalposts were always moving, and no number of wins would EVER be enough. And if I look at the times or races or scenarios where I felt most fulfilled, they weren\u2019t necessarily races that I won. <\/p>\n\n\n\n They were races where I was in over my head. Where the possibility of failure was real. Where I had zero idea what I was doing there. <\/p>\n\n\n\n And through this process, it became clear to me that what I value, what drives me every moment of every day, isn\u2019t winning, it\u2019s challenge. And that value of seeking challenge has permeated every aspect of my life. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Nothing ignites me more than the thrill of a challenge and the unknown, and seeking challenge is a theme that has given me purpose in almost everything I do. It led me to tackle my first 24-hour obstacle race when I had never run more than 10 miles in my life, it\u2019s the reason a race like the Barkley Marathons lights my soul on fire, and it\u2019s what got me involved in obstacle racing in the first place.<\/p>\n\n\n\n But it also has a dark side: a lot of what has driven my eating disorder is the pursuit of challenge \u2013 seeing how little I could get by with, depriving myself of all pleasure. And, through lots of therapy, we\u2019ve recognized that when I don\u2019t have pursuit of challenge in other areas of my life (e.g., in times when I\u2019ve been sidelined by injury), the pull towards the eating disorder gets stronger. It filled that competitive need, that challenge value, in a warped and fucked up way. (Being drawn to challenge also has proved problematic in for relationships in my life, but that’s a whole ‘nother ball of wax we won’t devolve into…)<\/p>\n\n\n\n But with all the hoopla building around the Spartan world championships, I joke around that I\u2019m \u201cold and washed up\u201d \u2013 relegated to \u201clegend\u201d status (which, I guess, isn\u2019t really a BAD status!). But if I\u2019m honest with myself, that feeling is uncomfortable for me \u2013 it makes me feel like a horse being put out to pasture. Like I\u2019m relegated to reminiscing about my \u201cglory days,\u201d which is something I\u2019ve never been super comfortable with. <\/p>\n\n\n\n And if I drill down on WHY this makes me all so uncomfortable, it\u2019s because I know that, at my core, I don\u2019t believe it. <\/p>\n\n\n\n I\u2019m not done yet. In fact, I\u2019m pretty confident I\u2019ll never be done.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Why? Because challenge is a value that doesn\u2019t die. And it\u2019s independent of winning. If winning was my overarching value and sole reason for competing, I would have walked away from sport a long time ago. I have zero desire to do that. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Instead, I\u2019m more excited than ever to get back into the arena, with a clearer guiding path: seek races that give me that purpose, that fulfill that challenge value. It\u2019s one of the reasons you\u2019ve seen me dabbling in open water swimming and biking more recently \u2013 I\u2019m being curious. I\u2019m testing. And in opening myself up to new adventures, I feel alive. <\/p>\n\n\n\n (This isn\u2019t to say that I won\u2019t hop back into the obstacle racing arena at some point, but I\u2019m aware that the \u201cchallenge\u201d pull is no longer there for me. It\u2019s what drew me in, and what sustained me for many years. And yes, it\u2019s a challenge to try and compete with the level of women nowadays (and I\u2019ll be the first to admit that I\u2019m nowhere near their level right now!), but right now, it\u2019s not lighting my soul on fire.) <\/p>\n\n\n\n But more than anything, I just want to be in the arena \u2013 an arena that I\u2019ve sidelined from for far too long. In fact, this has been the longest I\u2019ve gone without racing, and I\u2019m aware of the thought that people may have written me off because of that. And while that does bother me a bit, it doesn\u2019t unnerve me. Because as much as I joke about being old and washed up, and I have never, not even once, written myself off. <\/p>\n\n\n\n No one wins forever. Whether that\u2019s due to aging or injury, at some point, your results aren\u2019t going to be the same that they once were. And for many athletes, if you truly value the winning aspect, that decline is enough to walk away. I don\u2019t judge that. I get it. <\/p>\n\n\n\n But that\u2019s not me, and that will never be me. I want to be that 70 year-old running Western States, or that 90 year-old swimming the Alcatraz crossing. Challenge evolves with age, it evolves with capability, and it asks of us humility. Humility to put aside the results, and define what winning means for us at that moment in time. The great thing about valuing competition and challenge is that it drives us regardless of the results.<\/p>\n\n\n\n If all of this sounds a bit contradictory, it\u2019s probably because it is. I\u2019m learning to reconcile all parts of myself, and part of that reconciliation is acknowledging that I\u2019m actually pretty contradictory in many ways. I\u2019m holding space for that competitive fire that is always going to burn. I\u2019m holding space for the part of me that urges \u201chell yes I would love to rack up podiums again.\u201d And I\u2019m holding space for that part of me that just loves the process, and just wants to play in the arena and participate. <\/p>\n\n\n\n I never answered my therapist when she asked me that question. But now, months later, here\u2019s what I\u2019d say: there\u2019s nothing wrong with wanting to win. We all love to win. But I\u2019m learning that\u2019s only a tiny piece of what drives me. And if winning is my sole guiding value, it\u2019s always going to be hollow. <\/p>\n\n\n\n If \u201cconsumed with winning\u201d was Amelia 1.0, and \u201cresults don\u2019t matter\u201d was Amelia 2.0, then I guess \u201cchallenge seeking\u201d is Amelia 3.0. I\u2019m sure there will be many more versions that follow, but I think I\u2019m going to try and stick with this one for awhile. <\/p>\n\n\n\n I\u2019m excited to get back into the arena. Let the lifetime of challenges commence. <\/p>\n\n\n\n *Note: I have been planning to write about how I untangle sport and my eating disorder, and the process of working through that. It is in the works, and I don’t really touch on it here. But I know it’s something that I’ve had a lot of curiosity about, and that many others wrestle with as well. Just trying to find the words that really resonate with me at the moment, and will pen to paper those at some point! <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" September is a month that brings up a lot of feelings for me. It\u2019s the start of the championship season for obstacle racing, with Spartan Race World Championships kicking it off. It\u2019s a month for me with a lot of memories, most of them really great. But it\u2019s a month with a lot of painful … Continue reading Where Do I Go From Here? The Ever-Evolving Relationship with Sport<\/span> ![\"\"](\"http:\/\/www.ameliabooneracing.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/04\/1236949_10151602442176861_1157743415_n.jpg\")