Frankly, I\u2019ve never been so relieved to have a bone injury \u2013 compared to an destroyed tendon, bones are WAAAAAY easier to deal with, and we caught it early enough. But the gutting loss of a season that was just about to get started cut deep \u2013 deeper than any loss of a race before. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I shed my tears, spent a few days on the merry-go-round of self-flagellation<\/a>, and then, like I\u2019ve done so many times before with every injury\/setback\/failure \u2013 took stock of the situation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n This one was clearly on me. After coming off injury in the fall, time was short in order to be semi-race ready. I felt the mounting pressure every day, the growing despair of being nowhere close to where I was a year ago at this time. I pushed, perhaps a bit too aggressively, knowing that I was riding a line, and taking a risk. But the passion was so strong to get back \u201cout there,\u201d it was one I was willing to take.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Sometimes risks pay off. And sometimes they blow up in your face. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Unfortunately, this calculated risk resulted in the latter. But if I had to do it again, would I do it any differently? If I\u2019m honest with myself, probably not. <\/p>\n\n\n\n I think the hardest part is that I learned this lesson once before: after breaking my femur, I pushed aggressively trying to get back for the Spartan Race World Championships in 2016. That also blew up in my face, resulting in the sacral stress fracture. I\u2019ve been beating myself up these past few days, telling myself that I should know better. That, for better or worse, I have a history of bone injuries, and that trying to \u201coutsmart\u201d my body a second time was a recipe for disaster. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Currently, I\u2019m working on giving myself grace. I don\u2019t really think this was a \u201cmistake,\u201d but more arrogance that I thought I could escape unscathed. But sometimes we make the same mistakes twice. Sometimes we have to learn a lesson over and over again. Sometimes we throw caution to the wind in spite of the risks, and that\u2019s ok. <\/p>\n\n\n\n As much as being sidelined again for a short bit sucks, I\u2019d rather be here than not having attempted to race at all. As I said last year: \u201cfailure is not giving myself the opportunity to try.<\/a>\u201d I tried \u2013 unfortunately, it resulted in me not even getting to the start line. There are some passions in life that are worth it, and this was one of them. (let\u2019s be honest – I imagine I\u2019ll have to learn this lesson again at some point. I think most athletes do.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n All that being said, what\u2019s become crystal clear to me is that, just like fighting the water in swimming, I can\u2019t fight my body and win. The body will always have the last laugh. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Frankly, it\u2019s exhausting. Worrying about race deadlines and readiness and every ache and pain is all consuming, and I know<\/strong> there’s a better way, because I\u2019ve done it before: when I started training and racing after my sacral stress fracture, I cleared my calendar. I went really<\/a><\/strong> slowly <\/a>in build-up. I was ok letting things flow. I didn\u2019t set artificial timelines. And I made it back and started racing happier and with more passion than I ever have before. <\/p>\n\n\n\n I\u2019ve taken my risk, and I failed. So it\u2019s time to take the foot off the gas pedal. To slow down in order to speed up. To heal my body, and get rid of this injury cycle once and for all. And with a history of bone injuries, a key part of that is going to be getting my hormones figured out. Letting my body rest. And honestly, gaining weight and body fat. I\u2019m not dumb, so let\u2019s talk about the elephant in the room: I\u2019ve known for awhile that I\u2019ve been hanging onto a muscular, lean physique that, while it might have worked for OCR, is not compatible with ultrarunning and multi-day endeavors like I want to do. I thought I could be the exception, but once again, the body has the last laugh. As uncomfortable as it may be for the vain part of myself, I\u2019ll likely be more resilient and injury free with extra body fat and weight. Maybe not, but considering I\u2019ve done all the other work (strength training, rehab, Vitamin D levels, etc) and I\u2019m still suffering from bone injuries, it\u2019s worth a try.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I\u2019ve had multiple people tell me that I should hide this latest injury \u2013 that multiple bones injuries like this are shameful, and that I\u2019m opening myself up to criticism. I understand many athletes hide injuries, but that\u2019s not me. Maybe at one point in my life I thought I was invincible, and I thought admitting injury would make me be less of a “badass,” but that’s no longer me. This is my life, and my story, and I will own my mistakes and shortcomings, in all their full glory. It\u2019s true to who I am, and the type of person I want to be. And if I can help others along the way in their journey, and let them know that \u201chey, we all struggle in our own ways,\u201d even better. As scary as this all is, I\u2019m actually excited to tackle it. I\u2019m excited to get back to racing healthy, and in due time (this summer most likely, but I\u2019m not setting any firm plans). What\u2019s funny is that, as tough as this injury cycle has been, I\u2019ve never let go of the unwavering belief that my best running and racing days are still ahead. I\u2019m so excited just thinking of it. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Life is pretty grand when you let the water guide you. <\/p>\n\n\n\n As always, a HUGE<\/strong> thank you to my sponsors who have stuck by me through the ups and downs: HumanN<\/a>, Ultimate Direction<\/a>, Altra<\/a>, Sufferfest Beer<\/a>, Big Spoon Roasters<\/a>, Rocktape<\/a>, Goodr<\/a>, and Pete & Gerry\u2019s<\/a>. As a sponsored athlete, being injured is one of the worst feelings when you think about telling them (especially when you\u2019ve JUST signed on\u2026sorry Altra\u2026). But these companies are rockstars, and I\u2019m so thankful they support me in every aspect of my life. And to Dr. Brink at Premiere Spine & Sport,<\/a> who has served as an invaluable resource in learning about movement and my body. And, of course, to Coach David Roche<\/a>: he\u2019s always tried to rein me in (sometimes I don\u2019t listen\u2026and look what happens), but more importantly, he\u2019s been the biggest advocate of me as a human being, not as a runner. I can\u2019t imagine a better coach to have in my corner.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" When I first started swimming, I couldn\u2019t understand why it was so hard. I knew there were probably a million reasons for it (my last swimming lessons being at 8 years old, super long limbs and short torso, a runner\u2019s mobility), but every swim felt like I was thrashing against the water – it was … Continue reading Don’t Fight the Water<\/span>
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