I spent all of 2017 just being ecstatic to be back on a race course \u2013 fulfilling my idea to \u201crace happy<\/a>.\u201d I worried, however, that once that delight wore off, that the old fixations and self-imposed pressures that I \u201chad\u201d to win would creep back in. In perhaps my greatest achievement of 2018 \u2013 it didn\u2019t. While I did wrestle with my competitive self and inner critic, I\u2019m confidently on my way to no longer letting race results define me, and no longer being paralyzed by the fear of a failure. <\/p>\n\n\n\n And how did I get there? As I wrote about, competing at The Barkley Marathons<\/a> was a crucial component of this. I failed miserably by anyone\u2019s standards \u2013 a big, fat DNF. Yet I count it as one of my proudest race performances ever. I allowed myself to try. I gave myself permission to fail. And I learned that success and failure are only measured by how you define it, and I alone had the power to change those definitions.<\/p>\n\n\n\n It hasn\u2019t been an overnight process, but I keep coming back to something my coach, David Roche<\/a>, wrote in my log: \u201cYour best is never enough unless it\u2019s always enough.\u201d So I\u2019ve taken to writing down the following reminders: Winning isn\u2019t success. Success isn\u2019t winning. Failure isn\u2019t losing. Losing isn\u2019t failure. <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n I\u2019ve been a pretty open book in my writing and in interviews, but I\u2019ve always held relationships close to my chest, away from the public eye. Earlier this year, I had a multi-year relationship end, and it hit me hard \u2013 harder than I ever imagined it would. Like so many things in my life, I thought I could compartmentalize the loss: I could outrun the tears, I could be stronger than to give in to emotions, I could prevent it from affecting my training and racing, and I could move on like nothing happened. I couldn\u2019t understand, after weeks turned into months, why I was still grieving, and I was ashamed by it: I couldn\u2019t shake the ever-present thought that \u201cI should be over this by now.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n It took some soul searching and lots of journaling to realize that a lot of this grief was because I was encountering something I hadn\u2019t faced in a long time: it was the first time in 10+ years that I didn\u2019t have a partner (cue the \u201cserial monogamist\u201d eyerolls). And while I didn\u2019t realize it during all of those years, I was paralyzed by the thought of \u201cbeing alone\u201d simply because I hadn\u2019t experienced that in so long. What I failed to understand at the time, however, was that \u201cbeing alone\u201d is not synonymous with \u201cbeing lonely.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n A funny thing happened as the weeks and months passed: I learned that being alone wasn\u2019t so bad. I learned that I\u2019m independently confident, and that I don\u2019t need a person telling me \u201cI love you\u201d at the end of the day in order to have self-worth. <\/p>\n\n\n\n As hard as that break-up and transition was for me, I am forever grateful for it: it forced me to face my fear. It forced me to let go of the notion that, without a partner, I would be lonely. It made see that I actually don\u2019t<\/strong>equate my self-worth based on relationships, and that my happiness isn\u2019t tied to it. For the first time in many years, I\u2019ve started to feel at peace with who I am \u2013 even though I view myself as an ever-constant work in progress, I\u2019m learning to embrace every part of me. <\/p>\n\n\n\n In September, my season unexpectedly grinded to a sudden halt. I had to face my worst fear \u2013 I was injured. I\u2019d spent the past two years since the case of the femurs living in fear of getting another injury. For some reason, I felt like since I had \u201cbeaten\u201d injury once before, I wasn\u2019t \u201callowed\u201d to be injured again. And because I did sustain another injury \u2013 I was a fraud, a failure. I immediately spun into a cycle of shame, guilt, and self-flagellation<\/a>. I anticipated the judgments of people \u2013 I worried about falling back into the identity of \u201cthat\u201d injured girl. Reality testing this fear, however, proved otherwise: aside from a few questions and sympathetic notes, nothing happened. I didn’t get tarred and feathered. I didn’t get banned from calling myself an “athlete” or a “runner.” It turns out, oddly enough, that most people really don’t care – they’ve got their own shit to worry about. So, note to self: no one is every going to judge you as much as you judge yourself. <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n If I\u2019m 100% honest with myself, I let the constant fear of re-injury the past two years cloud some of my joy running and racing. I have a nasty habit in many areas of my life of constantly, as I always put it, \u201cwaiting for the other shoe to drop.\u201d I’ve spent so much energy resisting, and praying that I’d stay injury-free. I can do all the injury-prevention things in the world, as I\u2019ve been doing (rest days, rehab exercises, strength work), but sometimes your number is still going to get called. Fretting over the anticipation <\/em>of injury, however, is wasted energy. This isn’t the first time, and it isn’t the last, but I can choose to not fear it, and accept it as the inevitable process of riding the ridge.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Injury is part of being an athlete, and you can\u2019t always predict them. Heck, you can\u2019t always prevent them. And hell, even doctors sometimes miss them (it took 3 MRIs and a CT scan to figure out that we weren\u2019t dealing with ligaments – I had completely snapped a metatarsal in half\u2026I know, I can\u2019t explain it either). <\/p>\n\n\n\n So I\u2019m learning to give myself the compassion that I\u2019d give other athletes in a similar situation. Instead of rushing to judgment, I\u2019m working on treating myself with grace. For as much as I\u2019ve talked about the merry-go-round of self-flagellation, just because I\u2019ve been through one major injury doesn\u2019t mean that I\u2019m not \u201callowed\u201d to have another. Just like race results don\u2019t equal my self-worth, my state of injured\/uninjured should also not affect my self-worth. I\u2019ll admit that the latter seems to be much more difficult for me to currently work through, but just like the letting go of race results, I\u2019m confident this too will soon become easier. <\/p>\n\n\n\n I\u2019ve changed a lot these past few years (I think, in a good way). But as I\u2019ve grown and changed, I\u2019ve felt tension in conflicting aspects of myself. How can a woman known for loving pain also be the woman who is paralyzed by fear of injury? How can a woman who built her reign in obstacle racing beating most everyone, even the men, suddenly proclaim \u201cwinning doesn\u2019t matter\u201d? Internally, I tried hard to reconcile all of these as, at times, I felt like one massive walking contradiction.<\/p>\n\n\n\n It took a fair amount of soul searching to be at peace with the conflict, and to allow myself to cast off identities that no longer fit. I\u2019m human and I\u2019m flawed as hell \u2013 it\u2019s ok that I don\u2019t make logical sense. And, in the past, I\u2019ve felt trapped by identities I\u2019ve created for myself \u2013 like I had to continue to live up to those stories. In all aspects of my life, I\u2019m working on letting go of these narratives, of these identities I\u2019ve formed, of that structure that has kept me safe, yet very, very rigid.<\/p>\n\n\n\n In complete honesty, this is really uncomfortable for me. In fact, a lot of the letting go I\u2019ve been doing during 2018 has really shaken the core of who I thought I was. It\u2019s challenged the notions I\u2019ve carried about myself. It\u2019s forced me to try and treat myself with compassion and grace, which has never come naturally to me. <\/p>\n\n\n\n And I\u2019m not done yet. I\u2019ve still got a big piece of letting go to do, and I\u2019m looking forward to tackling that in 2019 (well, and let\u2019s be honest \u2013 for the rest of my life). Because it\u2019s not just handling the freefall when the rope has been cut, it\u2019s working up the courage to voluntarily let go and trust that another one will appear. <\/p>\n\n\n\n No year-end reflections would be complete without acknowledging the support and sacrifice of those who keep me ever-working towards my goals: HumanN<\/a>, Ultimate Direction<\/a>, Rocktape<\/a>, Sufferfest Beer<\/a>, Dr. Justin Brink of Premiere Spine & Sport<\/a> (seriously \u2013 can\u2019t thank him enough for his outside-the-box thinking), Goodr<\/a>, Big Spoon Roasters<\/a>, and Reebok. While my partnership with Reebok ended recently, I\u2019m forever thankful to them for the last 5 years and taking a chance working with a 30-something attorney in the emerging sport of obstacle racing. But more importantly than any sponsor (sorry, I know y\u2019all pay the bills and shit), I\u2019m thankful for the ever-constant love of my family and friends. I think I\u2019ve taken for granted those close to me for so long, and I spent a lot of 2018 committed to nurturing those relationships \u2013 when we look back at all of this, those are the ones that matter. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Happy 2019, all \u2013 to another year of adventure, learnings, and the messy journey of being human. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Several months ago, I had a long conversation with one of my best friends from law school. \u201cAmelia,\u201d she said, \u201cYou are really good at holding on to ropes. And you excel at making sure you don\u2019t let go of one rope until you have a firm grasp on another one. But sometimes that rope … Continue reading 2018: The Year of Letting Go<\/span> ![\"\"](\"http:\/\/www.ameliabooneracing.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/12\/IMG_1163-1024x768.jpg\")
Letting Go of the Fear of Being Alone<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Letting Go of the Stigma of Injury <\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
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Letting Go of the Identities <\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
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